Day 908-Not all cravings are created equal

Cravings. Ugh. Cravings can be the worst whether it’s for alcohol, a cigarette, a food, literally anything. As our world changes almost daily and continues to be shaped by the unknown, our anxieties, stress levels and fears amplify these feelings. I’ve been experiencing my own cravings lately and I’m trying to unpack it. I feel that I have built in a lot of tools to help get through but there is something that I keep coming back to. Not all cravings are equal. Nope. When we look for help, or advice about cravings, it’s always with the one word – craving. But I’m noticing that I have different types of cravings. Yes, ultimately it’s always the same, a desire for something but some come with different feelings so I figured I’d put that down here.

I would like to say that I am not a psychologist or a counselor of any sort. Also, many of these ideas are not my own. I have read A LOT of “quit lit” over these last few years and these strategies have been my go-to’s so I wanted to share. I also encourage you to read as much as you can. Check out books and other blogs, there is so, so much information out there.

For me, a big part of handling cravings is to know what motivates you. For years and years I attempted to realign my behaviors with negative reinforcement. In an attempt to stop myself for reaching for my vices I would constantly remind myself of how I was damaging my health, how I felt I appeared to others, feelings of being weak, how much money I was wasting and the list goes on and on and on. Looking back on it, it’s no wonder that I had so many failed attempts. Every time I had a craving I would answer back with a barrage of negative self talk. Now, it was all true but let’s be honest, talk about stress. After all that negativity and anxiety producing self talk I felt that I really needed that drink! For me personally, I respond much better to positive reinforcement. Everyone is different so if preventing damage to your health and being mindful of wasted finances works for you, by all means, go for it! I found that I was able to respond to the positives much more easily and willingly than the negatives. When I first gave up drinking, I was absolutey astounded at how much better I felt. I love being active so the first Sunday morning that I was able to get up early and go for a walk, now a run, it was absolutely exhilarating. I tried to pay attention to how good I felt and remember that feeling and it was so much more motivating.

Stress induced cravings. I have an anxiety disorder so my adrenaline may run a bit higher than most but I find that after a stressful event is when the craving hits the strongest. In my desire to embrace feeling calm my instinct is to reach for something – a beer, a cigarette, or more recently, ice cream. I find this type of craving to actually be the easiest for me to overcome. I don’t know why but I find that I can move on to something else and this type of craving will dissipate rather quickly without much fanfare. For me, handling this can normally be a matter of finding something else to do or focus on and the distraction does the trick.

Positive induced cravings. I feel like there’s a better way to word that but yes, basically anything can trigger a craving, especially earlier on. I think that a lot of times we associate cravings with negative feelings or events but times when you are enjoying yourself, particularly at a party or a quiet night at home, can be just as difficult. For me, the best way to combat these cravings are to remind myself of the benefits and focus on the little things. At the risk of sounding cliche, it really can be the little things that matter. Often times when we are drinking, we loose sight of how enjoyable a nice smelling candle can be. How a certain type of soap smells or feels. How awesome a bubble bath is. If you are at an event or a party, think of how nice it feels to know that you have been in control of everything that you have said and done, you won’t have any second guesses that you behaved in a way that was not authentically you. Also, when I used to have a little alcohol envy I remind myself that the drinker will most likely be feeling the effects the next morning while I’m waking up fresh as a daisy. Ok, I’ll stop with the cliches now. If you have abstained from alcohol for awhile and gone back to drinking you’ll know that even one or two drinks can make you feel a bit hungover.

Habitual cravings. Sometimes it’s just a matter of being in the habit of doing something. Here’s where it’s handy to switch things up and alter your routine in some way. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. Take a different route home from work, take a walk or make something different for dinner. Sometimes even these small changes give us something else to focus on.

The long haul craving. This one gets a little trickier but I think I’m realizing where this comes from. This is when that one pervading though creeps in and just won’t let up. The thought pops up very casually and gets me thinking. I start to ruminate a little bit but enough to be annoying. I can do (insert habit here) later or maybe just one or maybe tomorrow or maybe… JUST STOP. Right there. I think what happens with this scenario is that we are indulging that little voice a little too much. Shut it down! Once you’ve made your decision, stick to it. This is also where decision fatigue comes into play. I think I’ve written about that but yes, it’s a thing. And it’s exhausting and takes up time and so much mental energy. Sometimes playing the scenario out works, start with that first sip or bite or anything and be completely honest about where it’s going to lead. When moderation Mary starts to rear her ugly head, shut her down. If moderation worked for you, odds are you wouldn’t be reading this. Try to come up with something that you will say, something short that you can repeat over and over and over every time these thoughts come up. I’ve used this trick to combat anxiety and it really works for me. It can be as simple as, “No, I’ve made my decision” or something playful or heck, funny. If you’re going to have something rambling around your internal thoughts, make is entertaining! My go to lately is, “Go away, go away don’t come back another day”. Or make something else up entirely for the day, that may provide enough distraction to get you through. I do find having something prepared to say beforehand is helpful in case you just aren’t in the mood or really can’t think that day. It will also become a (good) habit and before you know it when those thoughts creep in, your mind will go on autopilot and you’d be surprised at the automatic response.

Sneak attack. Sometimes a craving can just come out of absolutely nowhere. You’re not sure where it came from and it can be strong as opposed to the fleeting thought. As counter intuitive as this is, I also find these to be more of a punch, once and done kind of thing. It will usually subside pretty quickly for me but if you do find that you are getting caught up in that train of thought and nothing seems to be helping. Delay, delay, delay! Don’t reach. Put it off, tell yourself you’ll wait until tomorrow (it’s ok if you tell a little white lie to yourself) Do something else and you’ll be surprised that a lot of times it will dissipate.

Try to take a step back and look at the big picture. Where do you want to be? Does this behavior fit in with your ultimate goals and lifestyle? How many of us will go for a run or hit the gym, only to pound back a bottle of wine or a 6 pack later that same day? It can be really difficult but try to keep longer term goals in mind and ask yourself if you really want to set yourself back.

Recovery. Welp, what if you went and done it? You slipped up and took that drink, or whatever. What now? Well, the good news is that not all is lost. Use this as a learning moment. Do not use it as an excuse to go to town. You know better than that! And the start again tomorrow argument is never the way to go. We all know how long it may take for that next tomorrow to come, if ever. So, put it behind you, dust yourself off, forgive yourself – you are human, give it some thought and take note of what happened and get right back on that horse my friend.

While cravings may rear its ugly head from time to time, please do not think that sober living is all about handling one craving after the next. That just isn’t true. I felt that this topic was well worth exploring but the positives far outweigh the negatives, even the cravings. Stick with it and you’ll see.

Day 764 – Anxiety, Sunshine, a Pandemic and a Baby

Wow, it’s been a long time. On my last day before becoming a parent, I promised myself that I would take some time to write. I’ve been thinking about this entry for quite awhile now. As the title implies, I’m a bundle of nerves and I don’t even know where to start. All I know is that my life is infinitely better without alcohol in it. I say this to myself, every single day. And no, I don’t say it anymore because it’s something I’m trying to talk myself into believing. I say it every day because it’s true and I can not believe how much my life has changed.

On April 16th, I celebrated my second Soberversary. Well, actually I forgot to celebrate at that moment but I made it up to myself with lots (and lots) of treats (carbs and ice cream). The fact that I actually forgot was also a reminder that the days we count in the early days do add up as we develop new habits. This year has certainly not gone as planned but I truly have so much to be thankful for. I don’t recommend having a baby in the middle of a pandemic but if you do, be sure to keep your sense of humor intact.

In the beginning of the year, my business was FINALLY starting to take off. That’s actually the reason why I wasn’t writing as much as I would’ve liked. I had different problems to contend with and time was scarce. Hiring and training staff and trying to keep my head above water at 6 and 7 months pregnant was definitely challenging. But I was fortunate to be able to keep moving and plug away at the process. Just when it seemed like a plan was starting to take shape for me to have the baby and be able to have the studio open, well, Covid-19. But right before that, for the first time since opening, I was able to make payroll for an (almost) full time employee and several other part timers. Yes, Coronavirus shut it all down. Unable to have employees, my pregnant self started selling Painting To Go Kits online and delivering them during this unprecedented time. I’m glad that I was able to continue to do it for as long as I was. I probably should’ve cut down the areas that I was traveling to just a bit but honestly, it was also kind of fun. I was due last Friday and I stopped doing the kits about 2 weeks ago which means there is also no revenue. So, while I don’t have to worry about the day to day, I am not looking forward to June 1st and the bills that come with it. Hopefully that will change.

But tomorrow I begin a different kind of journey. I would be lying if I said I was just too excited to be scared and that I’ve been waiting for this moment all of my life. At the moment I’m feeling pretty cowardly. I’m terrified of actually giving birth. Like, legitimately phobic. I guess it will go how it will go. I would also be lying if I said that I’m not just a little terrified to be responsible for another life. As I write this, I feel like a really, really bad person. Ok, a bad mother to be more specific. And the baby isn’t even here yet! But I also want to recognize the fear and self doubt that I’m already having in case it can help someone else down the line. That’s one of the things I have found to be so comforting during my sober journey, in business and now motherhood, realizing that I am not alone. If you’ve thought it, or feel it, someone else has thought it and felt it too. So, I’ll leave that right there in case someone else needs to see it at some point and comes across it.

To circle back to the original point, I am so thankful that I am sober. I do think about having the occasional drink from time to time (well not since I’ve been pregnant) but during the pandemic all I can think, almost every day, has been, where would I be if I was still drinking? What kind of shape would I be in? Without any place to drive to, or be, with fear and anxiety and uncertainty looming over everything, I do fear that my dependence on alcohol would have become too much to hide from in a more serious way. How would those weekly shopping trips go? Wait, weekly? Yeah, right. I would be putting myself at risk by simply getting my supply. When I quit over two years ago I was starting to visit multiple stores almost daily. I also don’t think that I would’ve been able to pivot the business model as successfully as I did or nearly as quickly. It is amazing what you can accomplish when you aren’t perpetually hungover. It’s the little things, as well as the big things that make me so very grateful.

I don’t know how everything is going to play out but right now the sun is shining, today is my husband’s last day of work for 7 weeks, I have a few new ideas for the studio and once I get through childbirth (fingers crossed) we can meet the little person that we’ve created and all of those things are pretty amazing right about now.

A Changed World-Day 733

Well, it’s certainly been awhile. Sitting here on April 19th my world has changed in so very many ways. I am now 9 months pregnant. My little baby bump has taken over and I’m in a full swing waddle. I really can’t complain though as I’m still getting along very well and still able to work. We still don’t know the gender, go team green! I am really curious but it won’t be long now. So many people have said to me that they instinctively knew the baby’s gender when they were pregnant, or had dreams. I can honestly say that I have absolutely no idea. You could tell me either way and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised. I’ve been very fortunate (knock, knock, knock on wood) that I haven’t had any trouble or complications. Especially now.

It’s hard to believe that a few short weeks ago, back in February, my husband and I traveled a few hours to see friends for a much needed weekend away. We met with three different groups of friends, hit up ALL the restaurants and stayed in a small but very reasonably priced hotel. I am so grateful that we took that trip.

As my belly has grown so have my fears. I’m less than a month away from my due date and I am so excited to meet little one. I just wish it didn’t have to be in the middle of a pandemic. But we don’t choose these things and I am still so grateful to be getting good care and that I am feeling well. It certainly is a changed world. It hurts to think of what kind of world I am bringing a child into.

I don’t know many things but I do know that I am not drinking and that I am present. Yes, now I am pregnant but soon I won’t be and I’m strengthening my resolve to remain sober and present. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about going through the pandemic while drinking. I can see it sometimes and how it would go so clearly. The beginning would be ok. I’d secretly be super excited to be spending more time at home so that I could drink more. With all the stress of the pandemic I’d need to drink for sure. But it wouldn’t be a glass of wine or two at night before bed. It would begin earlier and earlier and I would feel more and more awful. I know that I would have put myself at a higher risk because I would be going to the stores more often. A lot more often. I feel that making clear decisions about my business would be much more difficult and pivoting to online sales and deliveries would’ve been just that much more challenging with terrible hangovers.

Things are far from perfect but I still truly feel that I made the right decision for me by letting go of drinking. With all the craziness in the world I’ve had a few fleeting thoughts about drinking after the baby is born. I’m not going to let it bother me too much. The thoughts can creep in but that’s all they are. Here’s to the future and hoping things sort themselves out sooner rather than later.

Day 623 Reading and Writing and Showers, Oh My

Self care. It’s a topic I feel like I come to frequently but that’s probably because it’s something that I really struggle with. Up until a year and a half ago, I did not practice, or know the meaning of, self care. I thought I did. It’s still not a part of my life the way I would like it to be but alas, if nothing else, I am a work in progress.

Before I began this AF (alcohol free) journey, I thought I was practicing self care and enjoying “me time” by stocking up on beer, wine, filling up the backup gin bottle and doubling up on packs of cigarettes for any length of time off. The story would always unfold in the same way and if I “play the movie forward”, a coping mechanism I have found very helpful, it ALWAYS ends the same. Spoiler alert: usually feeling pretty crappy about myself with an awful hangover to boot. Despite seeing this now, not only did I practice this self destructive form of “self care” for over a decade but I looked forward to it endlessly and clung to it desperately.

So what do you do when the only form of self care you have ever known is slowly killing you? Habits are hard to break but not impossible and I had to find a way to answer this question. Not only my health but my longer term happiness depended on it.

I still don’t feel like I have a proper answer but this last leg of my journey has really forced me to face the question head on. Now that I am pregnant, I can’t sneak the occasional cigarette. Due to a minor complication, running and working have also been out of the picture for the last few months. Anything that smells even remotely pleasant makes me nauseous so my candles and incense oils are very sadly out too. There were a few days there where I really felt like I was loosing it.

As it turns out, some of the things that I really liked to do when I was younger, like way younger, are still some of my favorite things. This was also another excellent tip that I learned from the sober course, to think about the things that you enjoyed doing before alcohol consumption came into your life, even if that goes back to childhood or your teen years.

Here is a list of what I’ve found really helpful lately.

Reading – I was always an avid reader but over the last few years I stopped finding time. (One of the all time reasons I really miss the subway but that’s a different story) At some point recently though I realized that I was scrolling Facebook and Instagram mindlessly for more time than I care to admit. So instead of the mind numbing scrolling, I pull out a book now. It’s so much more relaxing and I’m being inspired with what I’m choosing to read. It’s never for a long time but even those 10 or 15 minutes here and there make a big difference. With many libraries being centrally connected now and download options, it’s also budget friendly.

Writing – I was always a strong writer for school assignments and I really enjoyed it. Give me a paper to write any day. As someone who spent 10 years finishing college, my inner geek still gets excited about fun paper topics. It never occurred to me until more recently though to write for fun. To be honest, I don’t know if I’m any good at it but I’m enjoying it and for now that’s the point. so darn it, it made the list. And again, it’s nice and budget friendly which clearly excites me.

Window Shopping – Window shopping is extremely underrated. When I was younger window shopping meant walking to the avenue and literally, looking in the storefront windows but now that means randomly walking the aisles of Marshalls and Target. And it’s kind of great. One of the things that motivated me very early on in sobriety was thinking of all the money I would save. (Wow, I’m now realizing how cheap, well, let’s say frugal, I am, yikes) I love clothing, jewelry, shoes and fashion in general. Like, seriously love it. As we have now established, I am also pretty darn frugal. Everything I own was either previously on a sale rack or in someone else’s closet. Now don’t get me wrong, I have plenty and then some. Window shopping provides me with the excitement and inspiration of seeing the new styles out and yes, I’m sure I buy things I wouldn’t if I wasn’t roaming the aisles but I can’t say that I have ever walked out of a store spending hundreds of dollars that I didn’t plan to. If that’s not your deal, this may not be for you, but it’s been working for me.

Hot Chocolate – I always try to keep the self care treats calorie free as I have struggled with my weight but this is one indulgence I’ve been letting myself have lately. Almost every day I go to Starbucks and get a venti hot chocolate. And yes, I shudder to think of the calories and know that my post pregnant self will not be have these. I should also be terribly ashamed of myself but I’ve decided that it’s what I really want and especially at this stage of the game, how many indulgences do I really have? The shame comes from being a small business owner and personally knowing the owner of our local coffee shop. Friends don’t let friends drink Starbucks folks. But for some reason that’s what I want lately so you know what, I’m going to not beat myself up for five minutes and have it. I still visit my local coffee shop often and if I am in a position to stay for awhile and meet someone, that is still my absolute first choice. Please. Don’t tell anyone.

Painting my nails – Don’t get me wrong, I would love to get mani/pedis every week and if that’s your thing, you absolutely should but the time gets tight and yes, it also gets a little expensive. About a year ago my mother introduced my to this life changing, yes, life changing product and now at the beginning of most weeks I sit down while my husband and I watch tv and give myself a little mani/pedi. I have little patience for sitting still and every time I would attempt to do my nails they would be ruined before the night was over. Well, OPI sells what I refer to as magic polish. It’s quick dry drops and after you paint your nails, you use a dropper to apply and your nails will set in 60 seconds. I wouldn’t go do the dishes right afterwards but you can move around without messing up your mani. You’re welcome. I’ve also started to choose a color to inspire me for the week which gets me thinking about how I want the week to go, what I want to do, etc. It’s become a nice little practice and you feel good about your digits all week long.

The other thing about self care that I am just learning is that it doesn’t have to be a long and drawn out affair. Now, this may sound more like common sense than a revelation but I’m all or nothing kind of gal and I can discourage myself easily with preconceived notions. In the past I have pictured those with perfect self care routines and envision a large bath drawn with rose petals, candles, chocolates and specialty bubble bath. And while that sounds lovely and may be the absolute perfect thing, lately I’m so tired at night that I’m struggling with bathing in general. Again, don’t tell anyone. The point being, there is nothing wrong with my 10 minute hot shower. Aside from the perks of basic hygiene, it’s a nice ending to the day, I sleep better and a little something that I look forward to. And friends, there is nothing wrong with that.

Day 617 – New Year, New You….

JanuaryCalendar

It’s a week from the new year, 2020. This week always tends to bring reflection for me because it is the week where I tended to struggle the most with alcohol. It’s hard to believe that was only 2 years ago. It feels like a lifetime ago and in many ways, it is. Looking back on that week and in particular, New Year’s Eve, is still painful but I am so thankful that it led to better things and a different ending to 2018. (You can read more about that here, On New Year’s Day)

For most others, it’s an alcohol soaked season filled with wine, memes, and more wine, at least according to Facebook. I try to use this season as a reminder that not only do I not need to rely on alcohol but I am far better off without it. Sure, there are FOMO pangs but that’s all they are and I am confident at this point that I am most definitely not missing out. Especially the hangovers, which are always missing from the memes.

At the end of this year, I am thinking about so many different things. I have the usual “New Year, New You” thoughts. Eat healthier, write more, work on the business more, work on the house more, fill up my fancy new calendar, read more books and stick with my exercise routine but I know that next year will be different from the others. Next year will be, “New Year, New You and Baby too…” That’s right! My husband and I are expecting. A baby. I am due right in the middle of May, just in time for Spring and the warmer weather. So right now I am right at the halfway mark. One week until I am 20 weeks. I am so excited but I wouldn’t be being honest if I didn’t say that I am also anxious, scared and completely unsure of how I’m going to pull everything on my to-do list off in a mere 20 weeks. I’m trying to tell myself that I’ve done more with less time but I’m not really so sure that I have…

I can tell you though that this will not become a parenting blog. There are so very many already and I am sure that I will be leaning on more than a few in this new journey as a first time parent. Please feel free to send any suggestions. Send help. Humor is always appreciated. TIA!

I also know that at this moment I feel very grateful that I began this AF (alcohol free) journey almost 2 years ago. I would not be typing any of these words, which still seem so unreal, if I had not stopped drinking. So there’s that. I’m also pretty sure that I’ve written this before but there are so many sentences that start with, “Because I did not drink today _________________”. And the good news is that is never gets old to fill-in-the-blank.

I know that next year will bring so many changes and I don’t know how it will all work out or what the year will look like when all is said and done. I don’t know if my little over 2 year business will be able to withstand the demands it will be facing or what my future as a Mom looks like. So for right now I am going to enjoy Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the week leading up to 2020. I am going to enjoy 2 whole days off with my husband, knowing that next year at this time our little family will be 3.

Day 472-The Summer of Seconds

Whew! It’s been a minute since I have been able to post but I’m still moving right along. Enjoying my second AF (Alcohol Free) Summer and it has been BUSY! Still don’t have much time to get it all written down but there a few things I’d really like to share. Especially for anyone who is “sober curious”, just starting out on their journey, or just needs a little extra motivation today, this is for you.

Last summer was fantastic! It was my first AF summer in a really long while and I took up running, enjoyed a busy work season hangover free, had the energy to get outdoors as much as possible and took one or two weekend trips (a real rarity). It was absolutely wonderful. I hosted my first party with alcohol since being AF, enjoyed boozy free summer days and felt like I was rediscovering, well, life! This was probably the pink cloud talking but it was really great. I was loosing weight, my confidence was getting better and I was rocking it. I was so excited for all of these “new” experiences. I made a mental checklist and checked off every new event, or experience, that I had while sober – DONE.

With that being said, I also had a little bit of anxiety with each new thing. It felt wonderful to re-experience things and reconnect with people but there was always a teeny bit of a worry of a fear missing out or how is this going to make me feel, going through my mind. What would people say? Would they notice? In the end, it all turned out just fine. A few people were probably surprised the first time I turned down a cold one but it was no big deal, no one even asked why. I had one massive craving after celebrating Memorial Day Weekend sober last year. (Yes, after, isn’t that strange?) I got pissed off, felt cheated, went for a run, came home, had dinner and immediately realized I was probably just hungry to begin with.

I figured this summer would be more of the same minus the excitement of “firsts”, although there were still a few. But this summer has been just a little different. I have enjoyed all of the things that I enjoyed last year, except this year, I didn’t have any of the “first jitters”. I had such a great time last summer and building up the “firsts” really helped my confidence in a wonderful way. This year though, my mind was quieter. I was able to experience everything in a new way, yet again. I have had moments where I am just so content that it has brought tears to my eyes. Content seems like such an odd word to use to express joy but that is the best way to describe it. I’m not wanting for something or feeling the need for anything external. I have been able to be in the moment and have a full of appreciation for it. It’s happened at odd times too. When my friend’s daughter was visiting, it was as I was washing dishes and we were chatting. On Monday or Tuesdays my husband and I like to drive a little further to go out for dinner and I feel this contentment while we are driving on the less traveled roads and I’m watching the grass go by. During one of my best friend’s wedding weekend while many were nursing hangovers, my husband and I were out exploring the town where I took this cover photo after the town librarian showed us a secret garden. When we were watching fireworks in the park on a beautiful summer night, I was so happy to not be preoccupied with drinking.

And for this, I am so very grateful.

Day 389 -Thinking about all the Moms today

It’s a few days before Mother’s Day and I’m feeling sad for everyone out there who struggles with the day. It really is unavoidable. My own mother is alive and well thank goodness. I won’t see her on Mother’s Day but I will talk to her and I’ve sent a card. Shockingly enough, it should even be on time this year.

This morning I got news that a very close friend is loosing her mother rapidly. It’s terrible enough but especially this close to Mother’s Day. I’ve been thinking of her all day.

I also think of my Mother in Law who I miss. And I really do. My mother in law was a real “mommy” type. My mother is a bit more of a “tough love” kind of lady, which worked just fine for me but it was definitely a different experience. My mother in law would send care packages and plan elaborate dinners for our visits. I think she actually tucked my husband and I in at some point. Yes, it was a little (ok, A LOT) strange but that’s just how she was. One of my regrets is that my mother in law didn’t live longer to see me give up drinking. It hurts to think that she never had the opportunity to become a grandmother.

I think of my best friend who I lost eleven years ago this year and how her daughter must feel on Mother’s Day. She was 6, turning 7, when her mother passed away. She is now 18 and asks so many questions about her mother. Every year the questions get a little harder to answer but I do the best I can knowing that she searches so deeply to try to truly know her mom and learn more about who she was.

Lately I’ve been thinking more about time in general. I’ve been trying to call my mother more often and want to make plans. For awhile now I seem to be hyper aware that she won’t be here forever. My husband lost both his parents a few months apart in 2016/17 and the loss has been difficult for me, I can only imagine how he feels. It has also changed my perspective. My mother can also be incredibly frustrating and tests my patience like no one else can. But I suppose that is often times the case with mothers and daughters. I’m doing my best to balance the scales.

As I embark on my own journey of trying to become a mother, it has magnified the significance of the day and what motherhood means. Planning for a family played a big role in my decision to stop drinking and also served as motivation. It still does.

I don’t know what is going to happen, or when, but for now I’ll keep calling my Mom regularly and try to have patience with myself, and my mother. Thinking about all the Moms today. Past, present and moms to be.

Day 382 – Taking a breather

Oh my goodness, what a day! I haven’t stopped since 6:00am but that is not uncommon. Sometimes I think it’s a good thing that I’m so busy but then it makes me a little nervous. I’ve been getting very overwhelmed lately. To be so tired and stressed constantly can’t be great for your mental state and sobriety in general. I have a few days off at the end of the month. I can not wait.

In the meantime I’m really trying to focus on self care and taking breaks when I can. This has to be short but I wanted to share a funny story from this morning. Well, at least I found it funny. I open my store at 11am on the weekdays so that gives me time in the mornings to run any errands and pick up supplies. Those few hours in the morning go fast and I’m always scheming and trying to think 3 steps ahead to be able to take the most efficient route, think a few days ahead and get it all done as fast as I can.

That sounds so organized, doesn’t it?

Well, it’s not. I mean, I always have the what and where planned out but my brain doesn’t like to stay focused. I’ve never officially been diagnosed with any sort of ADD but I’m convinced that I would have been if I was born later. I also talk to myself a lot. It drives my husband nuts and I can’t blame him. I find it easier to keep track of what I’m going to do if I say it out loud apparently. Sometimes I mutter. I skip words. And usually I’m running around while this is all going on. Filling the dog’s water bowl, emptying the coffee grounds, what have you. So here I am running all over muttering, turning on water, opening the garbage can and my husband is like, “What?” and I vaguely mutter back while going through the checklist is my head and finally he’s like, “What?!” and I’m like, “Oh, I’m talking to myself.” You know, like he’s the crazy one. This is how my day typically starts.

So, today started the same, a little worse, because as I mentioned, I’m a bit stressed. My husband and I say our morning goodbyes and I leave to run my errands. I’m also really running because I would like to get to my store early because, as usual, I’m behind from yesterday.

I stop at the supermarket to pick up some things that I’ll need for tonight. I was debating on getting hanging baskets for the house. I grab the hanging basket, realize I need two, put the one down, grab the second one, then realize that I should probably get a cart first, leave them for a minute while I run inside to grab a cart, realize that now I’m swimming upstream and getting back out is a pain, finally get back outside and they are – put back. Sigh. While this is an example of the excellent customer service they offer, I’m feeling so annoyed. I’m also super short so reaching things that tend to be a bit higher up is difficult for me. I grab them, start back inside and then realize I’m not going to be home until 10:00pm or later, don’t want to take them out of the car, but them back in, etc, etc. Rearrange the plan and head back out to put them back. All the while, probably making faces because I’m having this whole conversation (mostly) in my head. I do try to refrain from talking to myself too much in public. I feel like this needs a bit of explanation because why would hanging baskets of flowers be a dire decision? At the risk of loosing all credibility and written off as a complete drama queen, I will explain. Strictly as a means of advertisement for the business, which I am desperate for, my husband and I are going to be featured in a very local magazine. There is an article that has been written (mostly by us and pieced together by the publisher) and we are going to be featured on the front cover. Ahhh! So, on Monday, they are coming to our house to do a photo shoot. Ahhh! Because we’ll both be working all weekend, it gets really hard to get anything done on the weekends. This is my best shot. And the photo shoot HAS to be outside because our house, although beautiful, still isn’t unpacked and we’d probably end up on some list for hoarders if anyone comes in. I exaggerate only slightly.

So, here I am now, sans flowers and heading down the aisles as efficiently as I can and I stop to let someone pass between the aisle. I stop to let them through and then the contents of their cart catch my eye. In this moment, there is nothing I want more on earth than this man’s cart. I may have drooled a bit. At the very least I must have looked like a lost puppy, I think I let out a whimper. And I felt a deep pang. It’s Friday, the weather is getting nicer and the contents of this man’s cart are a party right before my eyes. I can smell the grill, feel the warmth of the sun, hear the chip bags rustling and I can practically feel those cool beers in my hand. I can feel the light splash on my hand as the can cracks open. The man nods his head in acknowledgement that I have stopped for him, he continues on to the register and I am so deflated. I want to shout at the man, it just feels so unfair. It’s only a moment, it passes and I continue on my way. I’m admittedly feeling sorry for myself as I look for a frozen dinner. Within moments I’m darting back between the aisles and I’m checking out.

No, that’s not the funny part.

On to my next stop at Marshall’s a few doors down to take a peek at shoes because the ones I’m planning on wearing for this photo shoot have seen better days. Long gone are my banking days and with it has gone my wardrobe. I live in jeans and flat shoes. I glance at the time and I’m having serious anxiety. I want to see if there is a new shirt I can pick up for my husband so I’m zipping down the aisles again and I pass the candles. Ooh! Candles! Yes, this works with my self care plan from the other day that I’ve nearly forgotten about. Ok, this is good. I’ll stop and smell the candles. I find one that I really, really like, score! (It’s only $6 too!) I’ve completely forgotten about shopping cart man and I’m happily zipping around with my new candle. When I take off the lid, I can smell it strongly. It’s the perfect blend of flowers and a little vanilla, it’s really good. Lately I’m finding scents calming. It’s become one of my go to’s when I’m stressed.

I look at the clock again and I’ve really got to hustle. I debate about what section to look at, start towards one, then realize I’ll never make it to both, head back and I’m doing this awkward little dance. Take a deep breath, take a whiff of my candle, damn that’s good. Down the aisles I go. As I’m heading towards the check out, very quickly, I pass a mirror. Out of the corner of my eye I see my reflection. And I loose it. It starts out as a giggle and now I’m full on laughing, to myself. People are starting to look and I’m finding this even more hysterical so now I really can’t help myself.

I kept opening the candle to smell it and at some point, I absentmindedly put the cover underneath the candle. So then I was running, quite literally, around the store, changing course every 2 minutes and to “keep my cool” I was practically huffing this candle with my face right in the glass jar. At this point, I’ve lost all wherewithal and I’m talking/muttering to myself. I just can’t get this ridiculous image out of my mind. Oh my goodness. Yes, I’ve turned into one of those people.

I don’t know if anyone else will find this funny or if I’ve described the ridiculous scene well enough, but I do know that I needed a laugh today and right now, I’ll take whatever I can get! And you really just can’t take things too seriously sometimes.

Day 380 – Apologizes in advance to any floral arrangements I may inadvertenly harm

So, for accountability purposes and to really force myself to sit down and think about this, I am going to tackle my self care plan and think of some (calorie-free!) ways to treat myself. I don’t know why I’ve been procrastinating on the fun stuff, it’s so silly. I guess it feels a bit, ok, a lot, uncomfortable and quite frankly, cheesy. I also don’t imagine that I have the most positive self image so I’m also hoping this will help with that.

I am also REALLY good at negative self talk. It’s like a skill. If you’ve followed along or read yesterday’s entry, I slipped up a number of times over the last few weeks with my commitment to quit smoking cigarettes. I am happily back on track now but after having that experience it’s really made me think a lot about addiction in general.

Last night I was thinking about the list of Takeaways I made. Over the last few weeks one of the things that also struck me was the constant way I would berate myself after a slip up. Okay, no, it’s not good to smoke cigarettes. I’ve of course made lists and counted all the ways and reasons why. But at the end of the day, I smoked a few cigarettes and got back on track. If you went by the incessant chatter playing out in my mind, I single handedly bankrupted us, killed a few small children with second hand smoke (I never smoke around children), became responsible for global warming among other environmental ills and ruined my business in one fell swoop because a customer just HAD to HAVE SEEN ME and they were going to expose me for the horrible human being that I am. So there we go.

The negative self talk doesn’t help anything and negative consequences or feelings clearly have not been a source of motivation for me. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have spent so much time feeling very hungover and very guilty, repeating the awful cycle daily. So, in light of this, I’m going to focus on the fun stuff.

Candles As it turns out I am very responsive to anything aromatic. I have become slightly obsessed with candles and incense oils. I highly recommend it.
Herbal Tea I vow to finally go to the tea shop next week and get some loose tea and figure out how it’s done.
Running I never thought that I would think of exercising as a treat but lately it has been such a luxury to have the time to be able to go for a longer run.
Flowers I have always loved fresh flowers. Coincidentally, while many people have a green thumb, I have a black thumb. I worked with a local farm last week and they left me some very nice plants, I’m going to try to do something nice with them. Apologizes in advance to any floral arrangements I may inadvertently harm.
Magazines Marie Claire, Elle, Cosmo, you name it, there isn’t a magazine I don’t love to look at. I am going to get a subscription and make sure I set aside a little time to read them. In the age of Pintrest and search bars and on demand images, I still can’t get over how much I love to flip through magazines. I blame Seventeen.

I’d say that’s a pretty good start.

I also realized today that there are a few followers out there. Hi all! Thank you so much for following, you’ve made my day!

Day 379 – Takeaways

After revisiting my previous post about the big 3-6-5, riding the ups and down of business ownership and having more than a few slip ups with my smoking (still going strong on sobriety) I have decided that I really, really, really, really need a self care plan. Preferably one that doesn’t involve calories.

And this blog is part of it! I’ve also been trying to take time to read other blogs. I just started reading Mrs. D is Going Without and I’m loving it. I have to laugh sometimes at how well a stranger is putting my thoughts into their own words. She talks a lot about the emotional ups and downs she started facing once she stopped drinking. I really related to that.

Having the business has been the BIGGEST rollercoaster of my life, there are incredible highs and lows. One day I’m on TV after being contacted, totally randomly, by a producer on facebook and the business is being featured by the local news. (Not exactly going to fetch any Emmy’s but encouraging nonetheless) The next week I can’t make rent and I fight back tears and cringe as I take, yet more money, out of personal savings. I work 70+ hours a week and I have yet to take a paycheck. I like to joke that if I treated an employee the way I treat myself I would be in jail. Sad but true.

I am also incredibly grateful for the opportunity to start my own business. I recognize how fortunate I am that my husband is able to work at a job that we can get by without a second income for now. I also knew going into this that it’s not a lifestyle for the weak or faint of heart and that I’m playing a long term game. I’m still learning A LOT and there is a huge learning curve that I was not prepared for. While I choose this path instead of a secure job and recognize how fortunate I am for the opportunity, it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel every bit of the highs and lows. Actually, when I look back at some of my daily notes all together, it reads like a bipolar schizophrenic on a bad trip. Seriously. Look what you have to look forward to reading! And because I am not going home every night to numb out with alcohol, it’s pretty damn intense. Don’t get me wrong, I’m also not waking up every morning wondering how the hell I’m going to get through the day. A little fun fact – my anxiety is also under much better control since I stopped drinking. That one surprised me. A huge part of the reason I drank so much is because of my underlying anxiety. I was terrified to stop drinking because I thought that my anxiety would be completely out of control but it’s actually gotten a lot better. It’s still there but the hangovers made it so much worse.

So, in an effort to bring some desperately needed balance to my life, I am going to takeaway some lessons that I learned from my cigarette slip up(s) and create a real self care plan. (I feel so cheesy writing that but it’s a must) Creating a “sober tool kit” was actually a part of the online course I took to stop drinking but I failed to finish that part. Go figure – insert eyeroll here.

Cigarette Slip Up(s) Takeaways:

These can very easily be applied to alcohol so I think it’s worth noting here.

Moderation does not work for me. Nope. No sir. It’s not happening. It has also stopped me from any thoughts creeping in about moderating alcohol. Some people are moderating wonders. Clearly that is not me. I went from sneaking one or two cigarettes in the morning to almost back up to a full pack – in four days. I also have a crouton problem but that is for another day.
Decision fatigue is real. Decision fatigue is the constant internal chatter on whether or not you should do something. Should I procure fill-in-the-blank? Where should I get fill-in-the-blank? How am I going to pay for fill-in-the-blank? Maybe I shouldn’t. But I want to. But I don’t. It’s truly maddening. And exhausting. And stressful. While much easier said than done, in the long run, it is so much easier to just make a decision to say no and stick to it as best you can.
A bad day is just 24 hours. I found that saying a few blog posts back and I just keep going back to it. You may not feel great in 24 hours but you will feel differently on some level. (Even if it’s just feeling crappy about something else, it’s different. How’s that for motivation?!)
It feels good to achieve a goal. Although I am feeling the cheesiness creeping back in, you will ultimately be much happier with yourself (in the long run) if you stick to quitting something that is unhealthy for you. And you definitely feel better physically.
All I need is fill-in-the-blank. There is nothing further from the truth that “just one” of something, anything, especially if it’s bad for you, will make you feel better. One of my biggest disappointments over the last few weeks was that every cigarette I smoked just made me feel crappy. Emotionally and physically. At the end of the day, the thing that I thought I wanted most in the world, that I was so sure was going to make me feel better, was making me cranky and sick. I actually feel very sad about that. I realized that the only reason cigarettes had made me feel better in the first place was because I had a physical addiction. Once the physical addiction was gone, it really did nothing for me other than give me a headache and make me naseaus. That didn’t stop me from trying but it was a sad realization to make.

I don’t pretend to be an expert in anything but those are my takeaways.

Now to work on that care plan…